Question by A.M.P.: How does the beginning to my story sound?
I want a little feedback on the opening to my story. It’s about a teenaged celebrity (Greyson Belle Winters) and her struggles to stay normal with all the pressures on her. Think of it as a novel similar to the books in the “Secrets of My Hollywood Life” series. Please note, this story starts off with a teenhollywood.com article that introduces the relationship between Greyson & Jake, but it isn’t featured below.
***
“Greyson? Greyson. Greyson Belle Winters, look up from that stupid iPhone of yours and listen to me!” my mom complains, giving me her best evil eye.
I smile sheepishly and take a sip of my citrus-infused water. “Sorry. I was reading that Teen Hollywood interview. What were you saying?” Jake laughs. My mom sighs. “I was saying, Kate, Penelope, and Elsie should be here any minute. Now turn your gadget off before I smash it with my Gucci.” I take her seriously. Her brand new snakeskin tote weighs close to twelve pounds. I have no idea what she keeps in there.
Just then, Jake’s mom storms out of Cut & Peel’s kitchen door with a tray of food, dressed in her usual printed baby tee and destroyed jeans. She kisses Jake on top of his head and sits down. “Baby greens, hiziki, and cherry salad with a miso dressing alongside an organic rosemary pork roast,” Elsie explains as she sets down the dishes, “I’ve got twenty minutes. Where are Kate and Penelope?” Our agent-publicist duo is surprisingly running late. I can’t ever remember them being late. Actually, I can’t remember being able to go anywhere without being hounded by the paparazzi.
“They’re late. So while we’re waiting, I’ll be in the bathroom.”Cut & Peel is located in a lush garden in Santa Monica, and Elsie wouldn’t have it any other way. It’s open and airy, with glass walls, bamboo furniture, and waterfalls bubbling everywhere. I wave and say hello to a few people I know as I make my way across the spacious seven thousand square foot room to the quiet bathroom. No one is in here except for the bathroom attendant. I regloss my lips and turn sideways to get a good look at myself in the mirror.
“Greyson Belle Winters. What a surprise,” a smooth, sarcastic voice quips from behind me. I whip around, the tie-dyed skirt of my Sass and Bide chiffon dress twirling out around me. It’s Freesia Macintyre, another well-known teen queen. Did I mention that she hates me since I took her number one spot on Teen Vogue’s Most Fashionable Starlets list last year? It’s too bad, because she used to be really nice: to me and to everyone. She’s transformed into the classic Hollywood bad girl now.
“Oh. Hi Freesia. What’s up?” I try to be polite. She smirks and pulls her hair up into a high ponytail. She turns to face the mirror. “Not much,” she starts, which tells me she’s here for something big. “I’m here on a business meeting. About Jack Holton’s new fantasy movie.” I inwardly take her diss. She knows Jack is one of Hollywood’s best directors – one that anyone would die to work with, especially me. I’m a sucker for fantasy movies.
“That’s great, Free.”
“Oh, shut up.” She turns on her four-inch Jimmy Choo wedges to face me. “Stop the fake friend act. And don’t call me Free.” I take a step back, now completely irritated.
“Well, excuse me for trying to be polite,” I say, looking up at her smirk. Why did I have to be only five foot two? “I was trying to be the bigger person.” She rolls her eyes as I head for the door, tipping the attendant who has put on her headphones, most likely to drown her out. “By the way, I think your outfit proves why I was number one of Teen Vogue’s list!” I giggle slightly as I walk away, even though I feel a little bad, too. But, hey, she brought up Jack Holton!
“GREYSON! Hi there, girl!” shrieks Penelope. She’s definitely the more hyper half of the Walsh sisters. She stands up to give me a kiss on the cheek while Kate just sits there, typing away on her Blackberry. She looks up a moment later and smiles at me. “Sorry ‘bout that. Hi Greyson, hi Jake. How’s life?”
“I just had a run-in with the flower witch in the bathroom, if not good.”
“What? Where is it?” Jake jokes, turning to look around the room. Being six minutes older, he likes to take the older brother role and protect me. I never really need the help, but since he’s my best friend I cut him a lot of slack.
I sigh. “It is across the room, holding court with the Holton people.” My crew turns in their seats to look around. They spot Maria Andersen, Jack’s personal assistant, up in the balcony eating area, along with several associates from Emage Pictures talking animatedly with Freesia’s party. Kate smacks down a folder full of prospective offers and stands up with an evil gleam in her eyes. “I’ll be right back.” We watch as she makes her way up the stairs and starts talking to the group.
While everyone tries to read my devious agent’s lips, I read over what Kate left behind. There are plenty of offers for me right now – more than most peopl
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Nice! This is interesting, so keep going!
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No, no, no! Every sentence starts with i, she, or he! Besides, there’s no rhythm in your writing.
It’s not my taste. But, looking at from critical perspective I say it has great potential. The descriptionse were sound. You had a firm grasp of the story, guiding the reader where you wanted to. Great job, keep writing. 9/10
Awesome! if it was a book i’d totally read it. You know, its sounds a lot like a Candy Apple book!
ha ha! you’d be a good writer. i could keep up with nicely!
started off good but got really confusing keep working at it