Feeback on the intro to my story?

by fiercehugs

Question by A.M.P.: Feeback on the intro to my story?
It’s intended to be a Hollywood-based story about a girl, Greyson Belle Winters, and her struggles to stay normal. I want it to be a teen book, very much like the “Sercrets of My Hollywood Life” series. What do you think of the opening?

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“Greyson? Greyson. Greyson Belle Winters, look up from that stupid iPhone of yours and listen to me!” my mom complains, giving me her best evil eye. I smile sheepishly at her.

I take a sip of my citrus-infused water. “Sorry. I was reading that Teen Hollywood interview. What were you saying?” Jake laughs. My mom sighs. “I was saying, Kate and Elsie should be here any minute. Now turn your gadget off before I smash it with my Gucci.” I take her seriously. Her brand new snakeskin tote weighs close to twelve pounds. I have no idea what she keeps in there.
Just then, Elsie storms out of Cut & Peel’s kitchen door with a tray of food, dressed in her usual baby tee and destroyed jeans. She kisses Jake on top of his head and sits down. “I’ve got twenty minutes. Where’s Kate and Penelope?” Our agent-publicist duo is surprisingly running late. I can’t ever remember them being late. Actually, I can’t remember being able to go anywhere without being hounded by the paparazzi.

“They’re late. So while we’re waiting, I’ll be in the bathroom.” I dash across the crowded, star-studded organic eatery Jake’s mom owns to the serene and quiet bathroom. No one is in here except for the bathroom attendant. I toss my head up and down to give it some volume and regloss my lips.

“Greyson Belle Winters. What a surprise.” A smooth, sarcastic voice quips from behind me. I whip around, the tie-dyed skirt of my Sass and Bide chiffon dress twirling out around me. It’s Freesia Macintyre, another well-known teen queen. Did I mention that she hates me since I took her number one spot on Teen Vogue’s Most Fashionable Starlets list last year? It’s too bad, because she used to be really nice to me.

“Oh. Hi Freesia. What’s up?” I try to be polite. She smirks and pulls her hair up into a high ponytail. She turns to face the mirror. “Not much,” she starts, which tells me she’s here for something big. “I’m here on a business meeting. About Jack Holton’s new fantasy movie.” I inwardly take her diss. She knows Jack is one of Hollywood’s best directors – one that anyone would die to work with, especially me. I’m a sucker for fantasy movies.

“That’s great, Free.”

“Oh, shut up.” She turns on her four-inch Jimmy Choo wedges to face me. “Stop the fake friend act. And don’t call me Free.” I take a step back, now completely irritated.

“Well, excuse me for trying to be polite,” I say, looking up at her smirk. Why did I have to be only five foot two? “I was trying to be the bigger person.” She rolls her eyes as I head for the door, tipping the attendant who has put on her headphones, most likely to drown her out. “By the way, I think your outfit proves why I was number one of Teen Vogue’s list!” I giggle slightly as I walk away, even though I feel a little bad, too. But, hey, she brought up Jack Holton!

Best answer:

Answer by CreepyCrawlers123
It was a little confusing. Maybe before diving right in u should set up the scenery. At the beginning when it says, “Jake laughs.” I am thinking, “who’s jake? oh, must be someone else in the room with them…” This is not how u should introduce a character. Also, where are they? see i pictured them at a kitchen table…cause they had to be somewhere…i couldn’t just imagine them in front of a white back screen….how do u see their surroundings?? Please describe it to us before you jump in.

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